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Don’t waste your time with any of these movies. You deserve better.

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Having recently watched Cabin in the Woods, one of the better horror movies I’ve seen in a while, I’m inspired to lay out my personal preferences for the ideal horror movie.

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In “State of the Union, 2004,” Vidal wrote, “Happily for the busy lunatics who rule over us, we are permanently the United States of Amnesia. We learn nothing because we remember nothing.”

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Live inside the freezer of a 7/11, an opium ring, a mausoleum, a baby merchant operation, a 24-hour airport café or an actual Tea Party.

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He’s got an exotic accent that makes you feel worldly and cultured and a charm that makes you feel like you’re in a Jane Austen book. He doesn’t quite understand America (or English, for that matter), and that makes him just adorable enough for you to want to put your non-European lips all over him. He’s perfect. But he’s really not.