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The Ninja Turtles might make it look cool, but it’s not.

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While being born, I wrapped my neck with the umbilical cord because I didn’t want to leave my mom’s insides.

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This bottle is a detailed replica, even nailing the font, and makes a solid shelf decoration for anyone who refuses to buy vases and pronounce it vauzes like a fancy adult.

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In our pursuit of human degradation, we now have an endless amount of material to whet our sadistic appetites.

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Who are these generic nobodies, with their CW Network haircuts and Old Navy smiles, cast in the vaunted roles for which thespians wait a lifetime?

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Her commentary doesn’t just stick to the games. It rambles off into random topics like politics, porn, pop culture — all the P’s — all while Ilana tries to win at various old-school and new video games.

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Like it or not, eventually Hollywood’s going to remake everything, so we might as well roll with it.

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I had no idea David Lynch dabbled in public service announcements.

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So inaccessible. So dark. So…guitar-playing. Break my heart, Trent Lane. Break all our hearts.

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Projecting John, Paul, George, and Ringo onto the members of other famous quartets is just the kind of useless minutia I can’t help but spend hours contemplating; in fact, the margins of my high school and college notebooks were already filled with like-minded endeavors (you know, which members of the Full House family correspond with which members of the Wu-Tang Clan… the usual).