Talk to women about things they have no interest in ever hearing.
Tell your friends that you aren’t ready to kiss a girl yet because it’s a lot to handle emotionally and you don’t want to rush into anything.
Whenever I see gay men hanging out in packs, I immediately feel jealous and insecure. How did these guys all meet each other? Was there a secret meet and greet in the beginning of the year that I didn’t know about?
Honestly, I have never thought of pole dancing as an activity that required any skill but I was wrong. These girls were truly athletic and knew what they were doing on that thing. It should be an Olympic sport. I’m not even kidding.
Throughout my life, I’ve been friends with straight dudes who have treated me like a novelty. It’s clear that I’m there to be the gay friend who makes them feel better about themselves for being so open-minded. “See? I hang out with gay dudes because I think they’re cool. I’m very progressive!”
Look, I’ll be real with you: I have no idea what straight sex is like. The closest I’ve ever gotten to a vagina is my mom’s and that was 25 years ago. I imagine it to be a lot of unflattering facial expressions though. I mean, am I wrong? Tell me!
You know what’s the # 1 thing closeted guys like to say after hooking up with gay dudes? “I’m straight!” That or they cry. I had one straight guy who literally began to sob after he orgasmed with me.
He has feelings. When you’re upset about something, he actually has the audacity to ask if you’re okay. Between sobs, you want to tell him that it’s not his job to care. He’s required to be incredulous about your emotions 24/7. There’s supposed to be comic misunderstandings, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, etc.
It’s been rumored that certain lesbians have tried to escape West Hollywood, only to mysteriously disappear. Most don’t even think to try it because the second they leave their incestuous pool of lesbian friends, they start to melt and become disoriented. “Does Santa Monica have a lesbian coffee shop? I must have my coffee made by a lesbian…”
They’ll slink up to the bar with their gelled hair, baggy button downs and jeans, and actually say the kind of pick up lines you’ll hear in a bad romantic comedy. I’ll watch a grown-ass man be reduced to mush when presented with the mere possibility of having sex.