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“Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.”

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“The only thing someone spying on me would learn is how many meals I eat in bed.”

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“I used to be able to pull all-nighters but now I can barely pull all-dayers.”

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“Best of luck to the White House on getting their press releases past Facebook’s fake news detector.”

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“I’m quitting my job to pursue my anxiety full-time.”

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“My hangovers are worse these days because I’m older and because I drink more.”

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“I know I’m getting what I want for Christmas because I already bought it for myself.”

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“Whether you’re offending by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don’t really mean either.”

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“Don’t forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.”

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“I’m having a hard time getting over the relationship that we were never in.”