“

“He, he, he, amazing!” The laugh was almost like that of a cartoon. “Drop it.” My hand fell to my side. “I wonder if you can feel.” The voice said menacingly.

“

“I have sexsomnia. A few times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night going down on my partner.”

“

”He’s coming,” she said with her back to me staring at that damned corner like she did every night since we had moved into that house.

“

2. Spooning leads to forking… so keep your silverware to yourself unless you mean it!

“

I woke up the next morning on a couch in the laundry room, three floors down from where I lived. I was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs.

“

Comedian Mike Birbiglia once went sleeprunning out a second story window. He now sleeps in a sleeping bag with mittens on his hands so he can’t unzip his nightly cocoon. He has to protect himself from himself before nodding off.

“

During this time I would go to sleep in one place and wake up somewhere else. Asleep in bed, awake on a couch. Asleep in a guest room, awake in a basement. I would climb stairs and make a new bed in a new room and I’d have no idea what’d happened when I woke up. It’s like my body was trying to run away from my mind.

“

There’s nothing worse than wearing pants—nudity is a wonderful thing. But you’re at your most vulnerable when you’re naked, at the mercy of emotions and the elements, which are both liable to kick your bare ass at any moment. Here’s a guide I prepared (based on my own experience) to help you navigate the minefield of the ubiquitous birthday suit in the context of a relationship.