“

I don’t know how to take compliments and I’m 83% sure you’re judging me for the speed of my windshield wipers.

“

There are everyday occurrences that aren’t a big deal and most people seem to handle them gracefully, but my worrisome, cynical imagination doesn’t allow me to do that and I’m hoping there are others out there who can relate to and share this pain.

“

Trying to be “friends” with an ex.

“

2. People singing Happy Birthday to you, at work.

“

3. Always have your phone on you. Pretending to be occupied removes you from having any responsibility or involvement in the uncomfortable things happening around you.

“

The irony of the icebreaker is that I learned absolutely nothing about anyone, because I was too busy freaking the hell out.

“

The flattered cook then fixes you a serving larger than the original portion, making you put a foot in your mouth – which probably tastes better than the meal itself.

“

The disenchantment that comes with a sign advertising “CHOCOLATE LABS FOR SALE,” and grasping that it’s in reference to puppies – not Wonka factory-esque laboratories.