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I was annoyed that, no matter how close I positioned myself to the wall, he took up so much space his legs and arms still touched mine. But after seeing his face exude an ‘I hate myself’ expression, I considered how awful it must feel to be so large, invading people’s personal spaces all the time…
Next year at prom, we rolled up in James’ mom’s minivan and I avoided the bong being passed around in the backseat. This year it was at an auditorium by a lake, where they used to hold our dances in junior high. There was a smoke machine. We danced this year. Frank would do this thing where he’d pick me up and spin me around and throw me across the room.
Knowing that you like boys when you’re a boy is one thing but actively trying to love them is quite another. Because even though you’re turned on by men, even though you know that’s all you could ever want and there is no other option, there’s still a pit of fear and shame that exists deep inside your belly.