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“You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you.”

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Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.

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It feels nice to be involved in things doesn’t it? Part of a movement or something. Swinging on Russell Brand’s chest hairs.

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By waking up this morning, you have already bested a lot of people.

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The Great Wall of China: would be better if you could drive on it. The Wailing Wall: full of junk mail. The Taj Majal: a gravestone with Sudoku on it. Brazil: great place to live if you’re deaf. Pilkington is an idiot abroad.

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Mark Zuckerberg comes on stage via a gold-plated spaceship and everyone is like, “huh?” He rants about The Social Network and suddenly everyone in the audience is handed a remote control and puts him on mute. It’s very strange.