Talking about your dog or cat as if they’re a person is cool and sort of endearing. You can make them their own Facebook page and even get married to them. Having a pet in your twenties means you’re well-adjusted and have figured things out. You’re healthy now.
Mourning a relationship is a full time job. Caring is exhausting. You owe it to yourself to lighten your load by beginning the healing process. Life is not a Drew Barrymore break up movie. Put away the ice cream. You want to hurt your ex, not yourself.
See, I’ve got a theory, and it’s that we’re all possessed by this need to be special, to be different – to matter so much to the person we choose to be with that we eclipse all that came before and all who will come after.
While I have plenty of friends now, I would love to add a shiny new face to the collection. I can promise you that friendship with me will enrich and give meaning to your life in ways you never considered possible, and I am a firm proponent of nights spent watching/making fun of Real Sex and Cathouse and eating Pringles. Get at me.
Ah, here she is. Hey! Nice to see you! You look great, that’s a nice summer dress, where did you get it? Wow, don’t look at the cleavage, damn, just looked at the cleavage, don’t do it again, no, I haven’t been waiting long, just about five minutes. Do you want to sit here, or on the patio? Sure, I’m good with the patio. Here, let’s sit here, under the shade.
Boys break down each other’s walls. It’s an exercise in patience, getting a man to surrender to you, but when they do, their body explodes with feelings. They lock themselves up and when someone finally opens the floodgates, a whole lot of everything comes out. They’re a piñata and you’re carrying the bat.
When you get into a relationship, you’re going to be a lot fatter? You’ll be eating spaghetti and meatballs every night, which will be topped with I’m In Love sauce. Every dollop of I’m In Love sauce contains 3,000 calories though. In fact, every time you tell your significant other “I love you”, you go up a waist size.
After much needed time and space, I have attempted to explain the depth of the relationship through this visual presentation. Confusion has forced me to use logic, a tool normally absent from our verbal discussions.
To you, I will play my song. I will be the quiet strings, the emotional woodwinds, the explosive brass. You are the strict percussion, the iron-fisted snare, the strong timpani, the backbone of the orchestra.
Here is the insecure person’s sarcastic guide to interpersonal interaction. 100% of this guide is to be taken in jest, and 100% of it will help the insecure person completely alienate himself from those who actually think he’s a pretty cool dude.