Three words: Deep-frying turkey. It’s a good thing we decided to do it in the driveway, instead of in the garage.

Make a list of everything you want in a partner. You know you’ve found the right person not when they tick every box on that list – but when you throw that list away.

“Loads of money. I had a guy once take me out on a date and kept flashing his large wad of cash. It doesn’t impress me at all. I have my own money. Your money doesn’t do anything for me.”

Block their number. Not as an insult, not to be hateful. Because you don’t need to talk to them, you don’t need to frantically check your phone every time it makes a noise, and you sure as hell don’t need to drunk text or call them.

“The gal who pissed and shit herself while screaming, ‘I’m pissing and shitting myself you motherfucking bitch!'”

Guys named David/Dave are usually dicks.

“When we’re done practicing.”

“There was a guy that thought the moon was fake. Not just the landings, the actual moon.”

Your earlobes line up with your nipples.

Jacob’s Ladder: “Mourning his dead child, a haunted Vietnam War veteran attempts to uncover his past while suffering from a severe case of dissociation. To do so, he must decipher reality and life from his own dreams, delusions, and perceptions of death.”