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There are so many dressings on the table. Only psychopaths have that many salad dressings.

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Pumpkin-flavored beer is in the fridge, fall officially starts tomorrow, and tonight is the premiere for “American Horror Story” creator Ryan Murphy’s brand new horror comedy series.

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Familiarize yourself with this group and the rest will just fall into place.

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At the restaurant, a musical theater student brings the COUPLE DUBROW to their table, they order some D-words and discuss the other D-word. TERRY apologizes for bringing up the D-word and says he would rather D-word than ever D-word.

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This show has faults, but these are still characters I want to spend time with. That’s enough to give us another season.

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“Xanax?! Ha! We’re all on Xanax, who cares?!” shouts all the Housewives’ inner dialogue. VICKI, LYDIA, and ALEXIS take off, and TAMRA and her posse “BLESS THIS FUCKING BUILDING.”

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I’ve been rewatching season one these past few days (shout outs Hulu Plus, I see you) and was blown away by how pigeonholed the characters were at the beginning of this series.

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Instead of facing the music, TAMRA rushes from the dinner table to have a solo cry and be consoled by the “Jewish Marry Poppins.” HEATHER’s purse did always seem to be holding an endless supply of items, but, in a Jewish kind of way.

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Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewivess that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

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Come here, Who fandom. Just come here. Let’s all hug? Can we hug?