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For a charmingly neurotic person who is just dripping in quirks such as myself, there are few things in this world more daunting than writing an introductory bio.

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All my ladies I want to see you happy, bubbly and smiling without ceasing! Dance and sing loudly at every possible moment to prove you are fun-loving and carefree!

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Decide you have too much wealth to get tied up in earthly obligations. Embark on a journey into different realms. Go realm hoppin.’ Slip into a realm assembled solely out of rhythms and vibrations.

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Yup, the post-9/11 healing is complete now. Quirkiness and fake librarian glasses solve everything. So, thanks for that, Zooey.

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So what should you do to get both guys and girls attracted to you but not in a way that they will feel you’re a threat? One word: bangs. That’s right, guys will instantly be less sexually attracted to you and you will still have a hours of built in conversation with other women.

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And as though the heavens themselves parted and sent me down my own hopes and dreams on a little cumulus cloud, I got everything I was looking for this past year. Someone, somewhere, had heard the stifled-but-powerful cry of young, attractive, acceptably quirky white women everywhere and sent us what I refer to as The Golden Trifecta.

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Pretty girls are really depressed. Like all the time. It’s a strange phenomenon and we must start giving it as much attention as humanly possible. PEOPLE ARE IGNORING THE SAD PRETTY GIRL EPIDEMIC AND IT MUST END NOW. Oh, how will we ever make them happier though?

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Purchase dump truck. Fill with hundred-dollar bills. Empty contents on front lawn. Buy Porsche with ejector seats. Drive off Grand Canyon with parachute. Repeat. Hire English butler. Preferably Michael Caine.