“

It’s no secret big cities have pigeon problems. Toronto is no exception. Like rats in the middle ages, the disease-carrying vermin spent the past decade running amok and increasing their numbers. It was my job to try and keep Toronto’s ever-growing pigeon population in check.

“

Someone recently pointed out to me an experiment that was done with pigeons and humans. I won’t go into the details here. But the experiment involved playing a game. If you are a pigeon, you are rewarded with birdseed if you win the game. If you are a human, you are rewarded with points.

“

14. People interacting with the “wildlife.”

“

A few months ago, I was about to bite into this delicious bagel when, all of a sudden, I lost control of my grip and the bagel fell on the sidewalk. My first instinct was to scream and cry but I resisted because I’M A LADY. Instead, I looked around to see if anyone could see me and then scooped it right up from the dirty sidewalk.

“

Every morning I awake to the sound of a pigeon trying to make its way into my house by idiotically ramming itself into the tiny crack in my window that is right above the foot of my bed. So realistically speaking, there is no other way to make it stop trying, except to punch it. And it works. And I feel satisfied.

“

Growing up, I could see directly into a Fat Naked Man’s apartment (mostly, I could see into his bathroom). It was my first experience as a voyeur, and I loved it. I watched him cook naked, use the bathroom naked; just about anything you’d want to see a Fat Naked Man do (and more).

“

Here’s what happens. We strike it, but it doesn’t die. It crowned from the blackness of suburbia like a king, hunted by asphalt and high beam lights. Night usurped by day. Flashes of antiqued green. Down goes Frazier. Engines revved for the K.O. That was any scenario. But this is mine.