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My brother would just say, “You sound hot. Are you hot?” whether it was a woman or a man. Subtle, yet effective.

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“I had a guy call me who was audibly masturbating and saying lewd things right off the bat. It was really fucking weird.”

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In one cold, heartless 911 call, the perpetrator tells the 911 operator that he murdered his wife, who was seven weeks pregnant.

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There’s a solution and I’m here to tell you.

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1. Veto the group text message.

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In the words of Heath Ledger circa 1999, “Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. Go for it.” You deserve the best, friends. Don’t settle for what is “meh.”

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I haven’t spoken to her for the past four months, and I’m beginning to consider my long-term plans. Do I accept her back into the fold? She certainly has not changed. Then again, do I continue to ignore her? She is my mother after all.

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2. I am so thankful for all of the minutes you’ve dedicated to me. I always worry that I won’t be able to repay you for them.

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I called his office, he told me that his phone died, that he forgot his charger at home. He’d call me later. 10 days of nothing. He disappeared.

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Put down the phone. Take a breath. Resume proper cellular device hand positioning and…call the individual you are about to engage in a three-hour-long text conversation with.