When you wave, smile, or wink at a passing toddler.
It’s funny, though: there’s such a difference between being with all men, as I was during the day, and being with women this evening. Men – most straight men, anyway – are such clods. Women, on the other hand, have spunk; they know how to laugh and relate.
Finally he kissed me, I kissed back, and we were off. At first we had our shirts and jeans on – he had on that red Sasson shirt I gave him, the one I especially like. His hair is long, the way I like it, too. I was surprised that Sean seemed handsomer in reality than in my memory.
This fall weather reminds me of the rough times I went through breaking up with Shelli and with Ronna; I’m annoyed with myself for being so vulnerable to Sean. Yet I’m also pleased, in a way, for this means I’m not yet dead emotionally – not if I can still feel these crazy feelings about Sean.
He kept telling me that he loved me, and I am positive he does. And God help me, I love the kid, too. We held each other for a long time in pitch darkness punctuated by violent, brief lightning.
I’ve just come out of the shower after returning from the health club. My lenses are in the machine. I’m naked, lying on fresh sheets, Brahms is on the radio, and I feel surprisingly good. Workouts make me feel better mentally even if I’m not developing gorgeous peaks on my biceps or huge pecs.
That’s when I felt it. A squirming feeling inside my brain. It almost felt like a Pac Man game being played inside my head. Like a snake slithering around from side to side. I could feel everything, I could feel the different directions it was turning.
Grandpa Herb would say to make the best of what comes my way, and I’ve tried to do that. In a strange way, his death has renewed, and not diminished, my determination. I’m realizing what I’ve got, and as the rabbi said of Grandpa Herb, I’m trying to minimize what I don’t have.
Sean was just there – as he always seems to be these days. He was tanned and said he liked Key West, though he was vague about what he did there. This sounds stupid, but I keep thinking of Sean and I notice little ways we grow “closer”: today our shoulders touched. . .
“The sidewalk is a nice place to walk. It’s designed for walking and overall much more comfortable. But every so often, you just wanna go play in the grass.”