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One time I farted on an ex-boyfriend’s head, and it was awesome.

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If I were a boy I’d be one of the lads. We’d tousle each other and drink too much and leer at women in bars. We’d say things like “bros before hoes,” and mean it. If one of my mates stole a girl from me, we’d both say “to hell with her,” and continue in our mateship because girls are crazy ass bitches anyway.