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We at Apple HQ wanted to send you guys this little email about an exciting announcement for the newest iPhone update, which is coming soon. Basically — based on the hoards of personal information you’ve given us without a second thought — whenever you update your phone, we’ll be updating your personal life as well.
Yeah, look, I know it’s a little confusing these days because evvvvverrrrrrryone is justifying Not Doing Things as a form of self-care, but I just want you to know that me flaking on these plans at the last minute is NOT about me caring for myself. I am just openly a terrible person.
It’s that time of year again: Everyone you know is talking about Black Mirror. You break out in a cold sweat. You tried watching two episodes and couldn’t get over how depressing it was. Here’s Black Mirror Lite™, some made-up Black Mirror storylines that are gentle enough for you to digest, while being vague enough so other people might assume you suffered through the actual show on Netflix.