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The EMT, doctor, or even good Samaritan who tries to keep me from dying is absolutely going to notice that my bra is held together with tape or my Xhilaration-brand Target panties have a series case of droopy drawers.

“

What was this magical phrase? What did it mean? How could I, a simple man, harness its great power?

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Oftentimes, we say one thing, but mean quite another. However, there are also those of us (we, the neurotics) who look so hard for hidden subtext in sincere remarks, we end up blowing things way out of proportion.

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It could be that our hair never looks just right or that one boob is bigger than the other or that we can’t pronounce certain words the way we know they should be pronounced — whatever it is, no one quite gets why you can’t face your complex like a normal person and not a paranoid, neurotic freak.

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I did not understand how mail worked because I hadn’t sent a letter since the one I wrote to The Goosebumps Fan Club Newsletter in elementary school. I applied to college online; I paid rent and utility bills online; I sent ecards, evites, and emails, but never actual physical mail.

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For years now the aggravating habit of correcting the mispronunciation of foreign words has been seeping into the realm of acceptable behavior like pus seeping into an infected wound.

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Listen, I want you to truly appreciate my sustained effort to pretend to be a reasonable human being. I’ve gone days without texting you, multiple days without texting you, three whole days without texting you. The cumulative willpower illustrated by this should leave your mind utterly boggled, exceedingly boggled.

“

She concluded, without much deliberation, that he’s a bit of a megalomaniac. I recalled the lyrics to an Incubus song on the subject and concurred. She added: “He’s kind of a sociopath, too.”

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Sometimes, when in situations like these, you find yourself in a conversation where the rules are that you have to keep making up these clever little witticisms to stay in the conversation. It is like a verbal game of ping pong.

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For every bubble that came up, a thought bubble came up in my head. What am I doing here? I envy people who seem able to place themselves inside a jacuzzi and have their problems melt away; where my problems, it seems, just brew.