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I wanna like, club her over the head and drag her back to my apartment so she can be my World of Warcraft-playing, poker-loving, sexy wife.

“

“Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony.”

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Paris: Where you’ll never be as well-dressed as that random chain-smoking twelve year old.

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The changes are so slight that a person in their middle age would call me vain and spoiled. I had a Kim Kardashian ass- I’m serious, just a smaller proportion – all leg, straight and thin, and then the shock of a round butt. Something’s changed.

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“If a person grits his teeth and shows real determination, failure is not an option — that’s how winning is done! Believe me when I say we can break this army here, and win just one… for the Gipper.“

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The fortune teller’s daughter had planted seeds of thought in my mind, and it was unclear when any of it would take root and grow. But that’s probably what psychics and fortune tellers are trained to do. Sometimes, I think of them as practicing a perverse form of psychotherapy.

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You shouldn’t care about someone who doesn’t care about you. This is actually really hard to do. You can care about someone who once loved you. That’s fine. But don’t care about your next door neighbor who has neglected to water their flowers.

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We’ve all been friends with a Lindsay Lohan—a crazy hot girl who’s a blast to hang out with until she’s stolen all of your drugs, clothes and boyfriend. She’s the friend you invite to parties with a warning. “Listen, my friend Lindsay is coming and she’s a bit of a loose cannon. Just be chill around her and I’m sorry if she does anything too insane. Love her though!”

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Thou shalt never give thy friend with benefits the following things: a mixed CD, a toothbrush, a massage, flowers, chocolate, a trip to the cinema or opera, a flirty comment on his or her Facebook wall, too many explanations.

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Get ready for three hours of sequins and bullshit. It’s the Oscars!