Translating My Bad Teenage Poetry

From junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college, I kept a word doc called “Writings” that spanned over thirty pages of weird free verse poetry. The subjects are all rather vague and serious (They’re so unfunny that they’re hysterical) so I figured I would repost some of the gems on here and try to explain myself for this horrible no good very bad type of writing.

Young People Aren't Having Sex In New York

I do agree with this notion that young people are too busy fucking themselves to actually get around to fucking anyone else. With the rise in social media, people feel more connected to each other than ever, but wonder why they’re going home alone each night and ordering delivery food. “I have 3,000 people following me on Twitter. Will one of them just fuck me?”

Excerpts From My Fantasy Life

Analysis: …These fantasies are fixated on failure, endings, or disaster. The patient exhibits a dangerously high level of narcissism combined with an annoying level of overwroughtnesss. …Recommend that he be confined to a mental ward immediately.

On Keeping A Twitter

For many writers, using the website is about narcissism, but it can also be about participating in a daily creative exercise. Composing something interesting and/or funny in 140 characters or less is often more difficult than we’d like to admit and it forces you to cut the fat and focus on sentence structure and necessary language.

Why Being Gay Is Gay

Sometimes I feel like being gay is a full-time job. Do straight people ever feel straight? There are moments when I feel extra gay (like when I’m connecting to Britney Spears’ Blackout) and I’m not sure what that even means.

What People Are Trying To Communicate With Their Profile Pics

The Professional Profile Pic attempts to convey relevancy (i.e. irrelevancy) by ‘re-interpreting’ the traditional business profile picture circa the 1990’s and is engineered to procure in the viewer the belief that the individual is a sincere, well-rounded, no-nonsense, capable type of guy/girl who “gets the job done.”

Hipstamatic for the People

It’s endearing how the detached cynicism with which hipsters confront their surroundings is tempered by a sentimentality for “old” things, namely, these circa 80’s photos—and how those compromised photos resembled the inception of photography in the 1840’s.

How to be Gay

Discover that you like men when you’re 14 and in the shower. Think to yourself, “This is just great.” Keep it a secret for a few years. In the meantime, dye your hair strange colors and tell people that you watch Queer As Folk for the storylines. Masturbate a shocking amount. Become exhausted and depressed.