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1. If you’re wearing Ed Hardy, I immediately pigeonhole you as a douchebag. I’m sorry if you’re not.

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13. Here’s the long and short of it: we don’t have our periods, we just don’t want to have sex with you.

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Your mustache is not truly for testicular cancer or sick children or any other charity you claim you’re supporting as you stare and twist and wax your newly sprouted facial hair.

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It has transitioned from a specific set of cultural touchstones (dating back to jazz cats) to something more like “a skinny person who is also a douchebag” or “someone who has an iPhone and/ or listens to music made after 1999.”

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I was excited until I got in the truck and sat down next to a man I didn’t know. He was in my uncle’s truck, in my uncle’s clothes, spoke like him, held the steering wheel like him, even had the same lumps in his arm. But he had shaved, and without his mustache he wasn’t him. I wasn’t comfortable around him until it grew back.

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It’s a win/win situation. You help raise funds for a cancer that is a gnarly evil monster, AND get the latest fancy technology thing-y. So go do it! Because good people deserve iPads.

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Coachella has come and gone, and with it starts the summer of hipster-infested festivals. Although they’d love to maintain their pale physique, they love smoking American Spirits with thousands of people more. Tis the season when they show their feathers, as though a bird of paradise strutting its stuff during mating season.