“

20. The struggle between enjoying sex and not wanting to be slut-shamed.

“

I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.

“

For the month of November, you might see a bunch of scraggly looking guys walking around with food caught in their beards…if you do, don’t laugh!

“

Your mustache is not truly for testicular cancer or sick children or any other charity you claim you’re supporting as you stare and twist and wax your newly sprouted facial hair.

“

Either way, women have the right to rock facial hair every month of the year, like that even needs to be said. I repeat: we can do what we want with our bodies. Our bodies.

“

This wasn’t supposed to happen to my father. He had told me that his PSA levels were elevated but not to worry. After all, he just spent over two months battling swine flu at St. John’s Hospital in Santa Monica and was in recovery.

“

Just because you know your mustache looks dumb doesn’t mean you’re playing a joke on the world. It still means the world has played a joke on your face.

“

It’s a win/win situation. You help raise funds for a cancer that is a gnarly evil monster, AND get the latest fancy technology thing-y. So go do it! Because good people deserve iPads.