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You send texts you regret an hour later. 

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Life is hard. Being a woman is hard.

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Your partner will probably be able to see you are in a bad mood right away. But that doesn’t mean he will know why. His first instinct may be to worry that you are angry with him.

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“I had visions of putting my child’s head through a wall.”

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Listen up, fellas, and shut your mouths before I kill you all.

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A private e-mail is a private e-mail, until it’s accessed by a jealous girlfriend.

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Sometimes you’ll be like, “HEY EVERYONE LET’S DO SUSHI AND DRINKS AND FUN STUFF TOMORROW NIGHT!” but then tomorrow night comes and you regret everything as you try to weasel your way out of plans that you created. You resent 24-Hours-Ago-You for being so enthusiastic.

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If I could go back in time before taking this job, I wish I knew what I was getting into.

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All of your friends know to go to you for advice for sex, masturbation, porn, relationships, and generally delicate stuff that they wouldn’t be comfortable asking anyone else.