“

Terrified of spending the evening vomiting in some stranger’s apartment, I hop on a bus to L.A. and spend the night convalescing at my parents house.

“

Diagnose yourself with a rhomboid major muscle tear. The soreness in your back must have been a result of a particularly strenuous elliptical workout. Tone down the gym attendance. Head to a sports masseuse. A pulled muscle isn’t the end of the world, but when else will you be able to justify a sports massage?

“

I woke up the next morning on a couch in the laundry room, three floors down from where I lived. I was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs.