“

“She was a full time nurse, paid for everything. Insisted on buying me gifts all the time, paid for meals and movies, paid for my car to be fixed… was sweet until she left me for her ex. Don’t care now, though no one has treated me that well since.”

“

“My husband was cheating on me with a girl, so I slept with her, too.”

“

She detailed her workout routine, which involved lots of yoga and, from the looks of her teeth, chomping on bricks and broken glass.

“

By our 18th birthday this was the bet:
whoever sleeps with Todd’s mom wins.
Wins what? Everything, basically…

“

Belatedly: Happy Easter, Lindsay Lohan! Go directly to jail and do not collect your Mini Eggs. Don’t worry, though. They sell them year round now. That’s a reason not to kill yourself any and every day. And yet I’m going to keep writing. Stay with me.