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Gerald R. Ford, Jimmy Carter: Long rumored to be the same man — New Jersey con artist Jack Levy — just with his hair parted in a different direction.

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It is with great interest that I write to you (again) in regards to the position of space captain on the Mars One vessel. I know what you’re thinking: “That position does not exist.”

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You bark for literally 23 hours a day. You bark when I sleep, you bark when I wake. I leave the room to your barking, I come back: still barking.

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As a student on Long Island during the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, I’ve had mixed feelings about the whole situation. On one hand: no school for a week! On the other hand: no gasoline or drinking water!

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If another ram comes within like, a hundred yards of his mate, he tries his best to head butt that ram off of a mountain. Let me say that again. They head butt each other. On top of a mountain. Because of a goat.

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I love Breaking Bad so much, I’ve started cooking and selling meth myself, something that I probably shouldn’t have admitted on the internet just now. If you’re looking to join me in the meth trade, there are a few things you should do before you begin.

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Now, I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why I’m not invited to parties. I’m not very cool. My scent has been described as tangy. I’m frequently on juice cleanses, and log a lot of bathroom time. But if I don’t know what the specific reason you’re not inviting me is, I can’t fix it. So, what is it?