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In Cold Blood

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Do the Wal-Mart chant before a shift of work at Wal-Mart

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Freud has said that our two goals in life are human connection and achievement.

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I’ve heard about people like Alice Munro, Amy Tan, and Malcolm Gladwell but they’ve never been high enough on my “to read” list for me to set aside a few hours and read one of their books. Reading their short stories online feels like a cheat code.

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As a society, we love the idea of genius. How else do we reward these creative persons, tastemakers of our generation?

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It seems funny during nicer days, but during my confused days, I feel so cheated.

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You and your friend both know that she hasn’t worn actual pants since like 2004, so getting her another pair of her signature yoga/fitness/it-looks-like-I-worked-out-earlier-but-really-I’m-just-running-errands-all-day pants will surely be the most functional gift she receives this year.

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Height signifies, if not biological strength, then a glow of social supremacy.

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In a flash, it’s six hours later and I know the words to all of One Direction’s songs and I hate Finchel and I think bowties are cool and I want Sherlock to shag the bejesus out of John Watson. I look out my window at the people having fun on the city streets and I pity them.