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When we say “stalking” we really mean “lurking intensely.”

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Creep out of our bedroom late at night to eat our leftovers, the food we swore we would save for lunch the next day, and consume them ravenously over the sink like a wild animal.

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Creeping is an almost pointless endeavor if you don’t have a trusted friend to whom you can show your findings with attached commentary such as “OMG isn’t she so beautiful it’s so unfair!!” or “Look at how cute his old blog was!”

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They like to document their lavish lifestyle via hilarious photo albums titled “oui oui, paris.” “ibiza & me.” and “ballroom dancing & firecrackers.”

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I also miss the bizarre world of Myspace celebrity. Back in the day, you could get a Myspace profile and garner such a strong following that it would result in a record deal or reality TV show, a la Jeffree Star and Tila Tequila.

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Your internet history will be in a really #dark place. Besides having Google searches such as, “What does it sound like when doves cry?” and “Voodoo love spells for the brokenhearted”, you’ll also be lurking them from every social networking corner possible.

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Did you want to immortalize your birth on Facebook with a picture and a list of family members? How about a photo album of your mother’s C-section? Great news, dummy — now you can. Somehow Facebook has managed to trivialize even the act of giving life itself.

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I think we can all agree that our Internet history can often be embarrassing and shameful. We use the Internet during vulnerable times and bask in its anonymity. As a result, we go to the most sinister corners of the Internet, places that could expose us for the freaks that we really are.

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Thou shalt never post pictures of thy food. I don’t care if you’re eating truffle macaroni and cheese with pork tenderloin and fries with garlic aioli. Chances are I’m starving and craving top ramen.

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Facebook has no influence on the relationships that actually matter to me. It’s the people on the periphery who get to stick around past their expiration date. If I deleted it, those are the kinds of people who would become casualties.