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People used to love to ask me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

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Several weeks ago, seeing Tao Lin and Sarah Nicole Prickett corresponding with (what seemed to me) some tension over Twitter, I had the feeling that it would be very pleasurable to hear them talk about flowers.

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“Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

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You have ideas when you’re not trying to. That’s when ideas happen. “All the good ideas that I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow,” said a very famous person, once upon a time.

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By saying “you” instead of “I”, I could be more revealing without bringing too much of myself into the piece. Since I didn’t have enough confidence to stand behind the things I was saying, I needed someone else (the reader) to endorse my thoughts and feelings.

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I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the naked pictures of Ryan Philipe in the world except possibly that ass shot in Cruel Intentions occasionally and anyway you haven’t even seen that movie, which thank heavens so you can watch it for the first time with me.

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And it’s not just that the characters find themselves in depressing situation after depressing situation (well, they kind of do), it’s the fact that the scope of the novel makes every depressing instance so much more tragic because you’re highly familiar with what lead each character to the sad place they’re in currently.

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Even though I find it ridiculous that Fran Lebowitz has been suffering from writer’s block for the past thirty years, it’s mostly just misdirected anger because her stuff is so good. Her book of essays are like little funny Jewish snacks for your brain.

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Most people are a thousand times more interesting when they’re talking than when they’re writing. Why is this? Because people panic when they start writing. People instantly revert to memories of 10th grade English class, and memories of No. 2 pencils, and lined notebooks. And then they freak out and tense up. Don’t tense up. Just relax. Seriously.

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I removed my Moleskine and asked what exactly we needed to do in order to proceed with the $25,000 Kickstarter plan.