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The bathroom was a constant crime scene. My brother was horrified.

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Well okay, time to play.

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Start choking and get up to get a drink. Interpret this how you like. 

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What if I cashed in on past grievances for a little retribution?

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Are you someone who waits until the last minute each year to figure out what to dress up as for Halloween?

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Even though no one asked me, welcome to my TED talk.

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The other day in the elevator at work. The nurse was just trying to leave work but instead got trapped on the way out and forced to look at pictures. Pictures of doodles. Labradoodles. Goldendoodles.Cavoodles.

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Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”

Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am.  You have nothing to do tomorrow.

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Just be a nice person. If you are unable to do so, just maintain your body temp through homeostasis.

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Safety pins. You never know when the bat mitzvah girl needs one! Stat!