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Found on AskReddit. 1. Tissues beneath the bed. The humongous pile of tissues underneath his bed. 2. Jizz on the keyboard. Jizz on the computer keyboard. 3. I walked in on him while he was roughing up the suspect.

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I probably embarrassed the hell out of my parents too, but these…these are so much better.

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Eli is my five-year old son. He has an older brother, Slade. Slade writes fiction and spends a substantial amount of time on FlipNotes, so he rarely says anything worth quoting. Eli, on the other hand, has unknown goals and will say things that I feel other people could relate to, so I occasionally quote him via Twitter and once on Autostraddle.