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15. May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears.

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In my opinion, she’s cursed with reverse Sarah Jessica Parker syndrome.

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“I stopped reading the comments section (nothing good ever happens there), and I eventually stopped reading the articles altogether. My dad still reads everything and gets really upset about it, though.”

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And what exactly are you implying? That I’m completely devoid of any self-worth, that my subservience was the attraction? Of all people, Pacey…

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RYAN LOCHTE: How about you stop talking and just look good?

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A drink so sour that after you sip it, your face twists and contorts into the exact same expression I get when I turn on the legitimate news and am confronted with an update on the Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson situation.

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You know the early reviews for Dark Knight Rises aren’t going to be that great. They’re going to say “It’s a wonderful movie, but it didn’t really live up to the hype.” Which makes sense, because I don’t think an event has seen this much hype since the invention of losing your virginity.

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She grew up in Toledo, Ohio and probably had posters of Cruise up on her bedroom walls. By marrying him, she would be fulfilling a life long fantasy, although in her fantasy I’m sure there was sex involved, but, you know, who needs sex when you can have a Birkin and faint praise from Vogue?!

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Cruise: Just, you know, that I’m a moving target, that I’m the prey of every pedophile that ever walked this earth, that I’m destined for drug addiction at ten and prostitution at 11 and an Oscar at 14.

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I know, I know, this isn’t 1988 (even if the hipsters are still dressing like it is), and Tommy’s been through the wringer in recent years. He got heat for jumping on Oprah’s couch (whatever, I like an unstable man), and every other Perez Hilton entry mentions his homosexual tendencies (bisexual men exist, people). But let’s get real here. Tom Cruise would be great in bed.