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I was super paranoid that this machine allowed her to read my mind and was even more freaked out when she looked at me after I thought this and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not reading your mind.”

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1. The real Miley Cyrus is dead and buried in the desert. The Miley Cyrus now is an imitator.

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Taylor Swift—NOBODY IS ACTUALLY THAT NICE.

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For reasons unknown, a predilection for scientology is often accompanied by closeted sexual preferences.

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The premiere yesterday was an opportunity to catch up on the utter hilarity that is Johnny’s black-felt-carpet-sample-glued-onto-his-head that he ostensibly refers to as “hair.”

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RYAN LOCHTE: How about you stop talking and just look good?

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This show was written by the writers of NBC’s The Voice. Or it was written, in collaboration, by singers on NBC’s The Voice. Or it was written by NBC’s The Voice after NBC’s The Voice anthropomorphized.

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I know, I know, this isn’t 1988 (even if the hipsters are still dressing like it is), and Tommy’s been through the wringer in recent years. He got heat for jumping on Oprah’s couch (whatever, I like an unstable man), and every other Perez Hilton entry mentions his homosexual tendencies (bisexual men exist, people). But let’s get real here. Tom Cruise would be great in bed.