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Jon Macks has written jokes for President Obama, Bill Clinton, John Kerry and monologues for Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Rock.

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“Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.”

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15. The Kardashians
I didn’t want to waste so many of my 20 spaces on them, so they go in together as a group entry.

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I have learned to find comfort in these commencement speeches. Whether it is the professor from the head of your program or a big time alumni/celebrity, the advice they are giving is invaluable. Because, whether you like them or not, they have made it — and to a place that you have yet to conquer and rise to.

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Christina Aguilera went to my high school (North Allegheny). My psychology teacher said she was a bitch and smelled like uncooked hot dogs.

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There are no happy endings. If a relationship ends, it is necessarily sad.

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Occasionally I think about the fact that, as of the last time I checked, the comedian and late-night TV personality Jay Leno had five serious girlfriends or wives, and they all share the same birthday.

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Anyone who has seen it will tell you that The Dragon Lives Again is one of cinema’s finest achievements.

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Before Teen Mom, before My Super Sweet 16, there was Engaged and Underage: the perfect program to watch with your parents when you needed to convince them that cutting school and sneaking cigarettes wasn’t the worst thing you could do at 15.

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My band would get an 8.7 Best New Music on Pitchfork and be invited to play The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Before the show my bassist would say “I sure am excited to play The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” and I would say “what did you say?” and he would say, “I said–” and then I’d simultaneously punch him in the jaw and develop a debilitating painkiller addiction…