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Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to dump all your perfumes and colognes in the toilet!

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Pocahontas makes you feel really inadequate.

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I’m here to set the record straight (seeing as NONE of us were born with the flawless hair and easy femininity of Disney Princesses). The Internet quizzes have been lying to you. Here’s what your favorite Disney Princess ACTUALLY says about you.

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Dude only has two songs and you are going to be obsessed with both of them.

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Taylor Swift.

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You are the girl that every girl asks “OMG WHAT PRODUCT DO YOU USE” when you post selfies on your blog. You have got the perfect combination of length, well-conditioned softness, and complete absence of ugly breakage or split ends.

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Seems like these guys might have never eaten food in their life. Felt my arm trying to move over to the mouse just now to click next track before I even thought to do that. So much “I’m going to the beach and never coming back” in all these white kids making up songs now.

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In order to bag a Princess/live happily ever after/be a hero, princes have to be: ripped, two weeks away from coming into their inheritance, live in a castle, and have a face like looking directly at an orgasm.