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No one woman’s words changed my life as much as Joni Mitchell.

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A friend and I would jokingly come up with fake xoJane headlines like, “Top 5 Moisturizers for People Who’ve Been Molested” or “It Happened To Me: My Boyfriend Lied About Being A Ghost!” So why can’t I stop reading xoJane?

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When I was 23, we had a birthday party that was Alice in Wonderland themed. I bought a purple plastic top hat at Party City in the Flatiron district. I look at the pictures and I don’t know anybody that was there.

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You’re not old. I mean, demographically speaking, the odds of you reading this and being old(er than 34) are like 1:20. The odds of you thinking you’re old because you can’t stay out past breakfast-time anymore and you learn about new music from Pitchfork are like 20:1.

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Although the thought of a virtual version of Sassy is amazing and exciting (hell, I even applied), there is something admittedly strange about taking orders from a girl who was born in 1997.