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Anyone who has seen it will tell you that The Dragon Lives Again is one of cinema’s finest achievements.

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What I actually said seems like something a fetishist would ask of a specialty hooker.

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I really, sincerely thought that my adult life would be full of tuxedo-worthy occasions. In my heart, I knew that I needed the perfect outfit for impressing the daughters of foreign diplomats and making breathtaking entrances down spiral staircases.

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Please, Mr. Bond. I wouldn’t offer it to you if I didn’t want you to have it. It’s the least I can do. You managed to find your way into my well-guarded inner sanctum. You disposed of myriad henchmen. And now, here you are, on the brink of not only the collapse of society, but your own imminent death as well.

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In my mind, I ooze charm and coolness — there is never an occasion in which I’m not a wink and a subtle nod away from going home with seven European male models. In my mind.

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$45 million is going to be raised for product and brand placement in the latest installment of the James Bond series. This figure will mean the new film, yet untitled other than by its codename “Bond23,” will command the highest price for product placement in cinema history.