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What would we do without the internet? Realistically, probably go to libraries and get regular vitamin D, but it’s really a moot point.

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When away from the internet, say at the grocery store or in line at Chipotle on your lunch break from an office job that requires you to be on the internet 8-10 hours a day, you actually experience these consistent twinges of visceral longing to check your email, kind of like if you checked it you’d feel normal again, or satiated in some way.

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Why procrastination is such an innate behavioral tendency is beyond me, but I think we can agree that it gets the best of all of us. Here’s a list of highly effective ways you can procrastinate that big, intellectually hefty project you’ve already been avoiding for a nerve-racking amount of time.

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I am the internet. I am anything to everyone everywhere. I am a mass channel for organizing a cultural revolution in Iran and finding a free ottoman on Craigslist. If I had a status update it would be, “So busy today,” and it would actually be true, unlike you.

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Count up all the graduation money your family members sent you in the hope that it might ease your transition into adulthood. Then slowly spend the majority on fancy coffee drinks from Starbucks and organic vegan granola bars from Whole Foods. Spend the rest on a stylish Chinese lantern with an orange flower design around the edge you ordered off the internet.