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“Right now I just don’t have anything that can compete with my Hitachi.”

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“Small talk. Please don’t ask me what the weather is like right now.”

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“The ol’ fashioned way—I walked in on my parents.”

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From quickies to pity driven whoopee, long-term lovers do it all.

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In Pirates of the Caribbean, we see the story of a daring search for booty, and if that description is also fitting of your sex life, well it most definitely belongs under the genre of adventure.

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Remember that a huge part of sex is learning, and we were all bad once, and there is nothing that a sexual novice needs in bed less than another faked orgasm which gives him confirmation that what he was doing was right and appropriate.

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Take Rivers Cuomo. He took a vow of celibacy and then he swears his music and his voice improved. So maybe I have secret talents and superpowers that will burst forth once I’ve not had sex for the appropriate duration.

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When you’re exhausted and just want to crash and not deal with anyone and you’ve got a big, fluffy, comfortable bed with fresh sheets and blankets all to yourself.

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CK has a lot of bits about sad sexual situations but this one takes the cake.

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Don’t be in such a rush to have sex, what sort of wonders do you think are awaiting you? Do you have only a limited amount of time to have sex before you spontaneously combust and can no longer feel anything below the waist?