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Congrats, Mom, you hit the jackpot of epic burns, and that’s worth more than anything money could ever buy.

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You’re in luck, creepy man, because while some women prefer that lovely “butterfly” feeling, I prefer it when men make my skin crawl.

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Be as cool as a cucumber.

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“A friend of mine was at a funeral last year with his dad. Forgetting to turn his phone off he received a phone call during a silent prayer, blasting ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ by Blue Oyster Cult.”

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When I emailed him asking if he would mind being interviewed for a newspaper article he responded with, “It’s a date.”

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Initially, I was ecstatic; an extremely influential editor liked me!

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If you’re both in a pre-planned location, at any stage in the relationship, you should acknowledge each other’s presence.

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Oh my god, is there anything creepier — anything creepier in the entire universe — than calling your significant other “daddy?” No. The answer to that question is no.

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Even though weddings are perhaps the paragon of things we do “in the name of love,” I’m confident my mother would have a conniption fit if I told her I wanted Def Leppard on my playlist.