You are not what your anxiety tells you that you are.
I Have Anxiety
Their anxiety makes them want to run as far as they can. Their anxiety makes them want to cancel. Their anxiety makes them want to disappear. Because in their minds, that’s better than being hurt. That’s better than getting disappointed. That’s better than rejection.
I have to learn to forgive myself for all of my bad days. For the days where I don’t want to do anything but lie in bed and stare at the walls. For the days where I don’t do anything but press my body further towards my mattress, wanting everything to go away. I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for when I can’t see the light. For when all I see is darkness.
Talk. You will be shocked to see how much better you feel when you simply empty your mind onto someone’s lap. Hearing other people’s take on what you’re thinking is a huge help. They will likely be able to help you think clearly again. Even the comforting thought that you have people to open up to and support you is helpful enough.
It’s incredibly hard for you to concentrate on tasks you have to do and things you need to complete. It’s also hard for you to concentrate on conversations and work meetings because the racing thoughts running through your mind overpower everything else.
My OCD is exactly this: it’s thoughts that spin round and round inside my head. Terrible, scary, dark thoughts that just pop in and out and in and out.
You hate small talk because there is no way out of it. There’s no escape. There’s no way to plan what they are going to say or ask of you. It makes you incredibly nauseous and sweaty. It can even cause you to have a panic attack.
I am done apologizing for my anxiety and depression — they are part of me. And because of them I have been forced to be okay with me, myself, and I. Alone in this mad world of unexpected panic and feeling as if I’m literally going to die, or finding a dark room more pleasant than the sun.