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I’m hosting a charity event for people who have trouble ejaculating. If you can’t come let me know.

“

It’s 5 on a Saturday night. You have spent all day in front of Netflix and no time in front of a mirror. Your hair looks like Bernie Sanders’ mid-speech and it is unclear if you were in a fight or if your makeup is just smeared from the night(s) before. 

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You realize that you have the intention to eat healthy every day, exercise, do squats, read inspirational bathroom towels, and call grandma, but the reality is you are just too fucking lazy to do any of that.

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I’m sorry for the times I left you out in the car. Especially in the summer.

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Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”

Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am.  You have nothing to do tomorrow.

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Just be a nice person. If you are unable to do so, just maintain your body temp through homeostasis.

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Visit any city in America and you’ll find the same thing: things are getting nicer. Everything except school buses, of course.

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Had a dude once come through, jumped a bloody mile in the air when I scared him. He just stopped with this far off look and said “I just shit myself.”

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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves around him.

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‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.’
Just go to school, Ferris.