“

I’m thinking to myself the whole time, “Come onnnnnnn, dude! I’m sorryyyy. Just let it the fuck go and relaxxxxxx! Shit was an accident.”

“

You organize a surprise birthday party for her and she shows up with a date who is clearly better than you in every way.

“

I didn’t quite realize how all-encompassing my anxiety had become until my underutilized and undercompensated predicament invaded my dreamspace.

“

You’ll figure the out the rest.

“

You sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Gimme, gimme, gimme! I am not your mother.

“

He talks to you about all of his stalkers or the people who hit on him throughout the day.

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To reflect, on all those who have wronged me.

“

“As per my previous email…”

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Meeting her for an early morning aerobics class and then being comically out-of-shape and disgustingly sweaty within 5 minutes is not good.

“

Who, I ask, is the more interesting person to talk to at a party— a man slouched in his chair, drinking a Heineken? Or a man leaned against the fireplace mantle, drinking mysterious brown liquid from a glass, regarding the flame?