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Announcer: “Do you have too much too fit anything else into your busy schedule?”

Truth: We can see you sitting on the couch eating corn chips at 3am.  You have nothing to do tomorrow.

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Just be a nice person. If you are unable to do so, just maintain your body temp through homeostasis.

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Visit any city in America and you’ll find the same thing: things are getting nicer. Everything except school buses, of course.

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Had a dude once come through, jumped a bloody mile in the air when I scared him. He just stopped with this far off look and said “I just shit myself.”

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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves around him.

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‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.’
Just go to school, Ferris.

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Finally, a piece of paper that is adequately long enough to write out a complete and proper hit list.

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What do you do if you’re getting attacked by a flock of clowns? Go for the juggler.

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A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

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The traditional couple picks a simple, classy hashtag, like #JoeAndBecca2019. They get a C+ for creativity, but honestly, there’s nothing bad to say about this couple.