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Perhaps Home Depot is my metaphor for attempting my most genuine self in other ways, like writing this essay, like finding community in people who can agree that Home Depot has undeniable soothing qualities.

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In the hope of inspiring a few more restless city dwellers to briefly trade a laptop for a hammer and, above all, to get outdoors, here’s a snapshot of what we learned in the woods.

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Thanks, assholes.

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It’s sometimes hard to find other lesbians if you don’t know where to look (besides Home Depot).

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5. Settling significant decisions via Rock, Paper, Scissors.

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No kid has ever declared the words, “Oooh, look – they’ve got prefinished plywood!”

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Your fat Kindergarten teacher had sex. She did, I swear! Maybe she even had lots of sex. She had two children so that’s a guaranteed two times someone had sex with her. Here she is teaching you how to read and then there she is getting naked with some dude.

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Our colloquially disenfranchised youth of the suburbs deserve a voice not observed by the more gritty Urban Dictionary; and so, we hereby inaugurate Suburban Dictionary, offering its first entries.