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As soon as I realized that what I have, in a third-world country, is something senseless, selfish and superficial, yes, but more so something praised for its self-discipline and commonalities with Mary-Kate Olsen, I stopped talking about it. I refuse to be lauded for this disorder.

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Falling in love with a closeted guy is a catch-22. The love is passionate, true, and scandalous. You feel like you’re living in a movie. For the time you spend with him, it’s great. However, you slowly learn that love shouldn’t be hidden.

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I’m a gigolo for grandmas. Some as old as 90, none younger than 65. I’ve got $2 million in a bank from grandmas leaving me money in their wills.

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Never built one, but I did find one in a house I was doing some plumbing work in once. This was an expensive condo, and they had a secret office that had a secret one-way mirror looking into the GUEST SHOWER.

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I watch a lot of tortoise sex youtube clips. I think their grunting is hilarious. I also have illustrated it in series of watercolor paintings…

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Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend’s diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.

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“Does he make you come?” we would say, almost sheepishly, as though the idea of a regular female orgasm was some kind of a selfish expectation.

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Of the many, here are 12 magnificent little nuggets of gold from Community that are worthy of recognition and praise.

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For Jack, I am learning, English is almost like a second language. His primary language is a more fluid yet deliberate sonic-speak: Music, instrumentation –– drumming, playing guitar, sampling, clapping, scoring. That is where Jack is most himself, most comfortable, most articulate. “The music is weightless and when I sing so am I” he larks…