We are our own worst enemies. And when we fail or get broken hearted, we blame it on ourselves and put ourselves down to the extreme. We are our own worst critiques and tell ourselves truly terrible things. To say we have low self-esteem would be an understatement.
My anxiety is not beautiful, and it never will be, but it makes me listen. It makes me feel even more strongly when I have a crush, when I’m in love, and when I’m falling out of it. My anxious thoughts make me suffer, but it makes me a better person. Why? It makes me aware that I am human. It makes me aware that everyone is flawed and everyone has parts of themselves that they hate, but they still deserve to find their soulmate.
You don’t know how to relax anymore or go out with friends. You convince yourself that you have to work on your days off, in order to be the best. You work day and night even on holidays and weekends. You don’t know how to stop.
You see, the thing about anxiety is that, it makes me love myself. Even through the dark days where I feel like I’m dying. Even with all the panic attacks and ER visits. It makes me proud of myself for being able to go throughout my day to day life without collapsing.
For me, dating is an entire world of anxiety. What do I wear? What if he takes me home? What if he kills me? What if I have nothing to say? Do I write notes in my phone for discussion topics? What if I choke and I die while he’s talking about his cute dogs to me?
Just because others can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. You are not your anxiety, but your anxiety is a big part of you. Every day you fight it, every day you get up is a win and every small victory counts.
You could be out with your girls for happy hour, or kicking back on a Sunday watching football with your best friends, when suddenly your heart beats at a scary rate, and you feel like you’re going to be sick. It’s really terrifying to experience this, especially when it seems to be coming out of nowhere.