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No kid has ever declared the words, “Oooh, look – they’ve got prefinished plywood!”

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You know what I hear when someone mentions male pattern baldness? I hear, “TEARS, EXPENSIVE HAIR TREATMENTS, MY FUTURE.” Men love their hair almost as much as they love their dick. In fact, if you could just put a giant penis on top of their full head of hair, all males would be set for life.

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Of course, there is a heart-breaking sort of irony involved in consuming quickly a candy whose name implies salvation. Life Savers are created in order to be destroyed. But it is in those moments when the amylase in your saliva is slowly dissolving the sugary rings into progressively thinner discs that we come to the truth: Life Savers can’t save themselves, but they can save you.