“

Here’s the thing about man buns that I don’t understand, why is it such a big deal to have one? I mean women have been wearing topknots and messy buns for years, where’s our award?

“

I would like to establish that I understand and can appreciate the problems of stylized cultural appropriation.

“

This underrated hairstyle will actually change your adult life.

“

Thank the heavens for whoever created the numbered hair-typing system. It makes it easy to understand the hair that’s growing out of your head and put label on it.

“

Because of your hair’s incredibly unpredictable nature, you’ve have had to adapt over the years, creating an arsenal of hairdos to tame the beast. But what exactly does your chosen hairstyle say about you?

“

As a kid I used to think how much COOLER I would be if my hair weren’t so persistently flat; if only I had Natasha Lyonne’s spontaneous, frizzy and (dare I say) unruly curls or Elaine Benes’ bouncy and neurotic Jew fro.

“

And liquid eyeliner — what absurd witchcraft is that? Whenever I see a girl who has that perfect, delicate cat-eye with the little flick up at the end, perfectly symmetrical on both sides — I want to steal her hand-eye coordination the way Usula stole Ariel’s voice.

“

However, I have just showered and realized that my bangs are SO short, that after rinsing all my hair back and stepping out of the shower, the bangs stick straight up. I now decide that I look like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals.