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Are you having a natural childbirth? Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!

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You’ve officially been assigned into the Cute Girl Category. We know you applied for the Sexy Category, but after a panel of qualified straight men examined your portfolio and read your personal statement, we decided that you definitely have more potential to be Cute rather than Sexy.

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Are you too lazy to get out of bed and to work out? Me too! Do leg lifts or butt squeezes while you’re reading this for heavens sake!

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Does it work? You bet.

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What do you mean you don’t like dancing? Everyone likes dancing, everyone who isn’t an anxiety stricken, socially retarded recluse, everyone with a warm and living soul, everyone who feels an abiding connection with the world-spirit.

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Read as little as possible literary criticism; they are petrified and meaningless; can’t send any books: I’m broke, sorry.

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Like hovercraft skateboards and lightsabers, many of these items would already exist if scientists would buckle down and get their priorities straight. Here is a (partial) list of foods we should have by now.

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All sales and rentals of products are final. Lifeforce donations may be refunded at half the given volume, at the discretion of the Overlord.

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I think the existence of the word “nice” allows people who think “there is no good or bad in art” to say things about art while still feeling like “there is no good or bad in art.”

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Lots of credit goes to the old, familiar tricks, but few people take the time to stop and recognize the newer tricks in the book. Sure, they may lack the simple elegance of that trick where you point at a stain on someone’s shirt and then poke that person in the face when they look, but there are plenty of modern ploys, dupes, and cons that rival them in effectiveness.