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i am freefalling through every level of this dark and lonely place as life continues on. i am ignoring calls and canceling plans. i am looking through photos, rereading old texts, and wondering in what world you deserved this.

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Many years have passed, but nothing and no one could ever fill the void that you left. They said things would be fine eventually, but I do not think I’ll ever get over the pain that I’ve been dealing with for so long. 

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I felt a sense of relief that my dad wasn’t in pain anymore, that I didn’t have to worry. But of course, the worry was replaced by something much darker and heavier than I could have imagined.

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Even on days like today, I am also reminded you are the reason I am here.

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Sometimes it’s as simple as accepting the things you cannot change and putting energy into what you can change.

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It’s okay if you talk about your dad in general. Again, if he’s here, let’s talk about him. The good, the bad, the annoying. Let’s talk about it all.

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Keep feeling, keep living.

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The key is to feel the sadness, all of it. Don’t try to push it away. It will still be there. It’s okay to be sad.

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I’ve come to realize that healing from the death of a loved one is really just a matter of allowing all these emotions to pass through me rather than denying, running, and shutting them down.

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How much grieving am I going to do as an adult regarding things that happened as a teenager? The grief is not empowering nor productive for me.