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She assumed it was jewelry. Every year he gets her a charm for her gold chain or a pair of dangly earrings.

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That means that if they ask what I want for Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Channukkah, whatever — I don’t want them to spend American dolla dolla bills. I want the money of the soul, baby.

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Do you like Seth Rogen? You’re welcome to see The Guilt Trip with me! All hail queen Babs Streisand.

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A baby blanket.

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Okay so basically between Thanksgiving and New Year’s you’re just not going to have any money ever again because ostensibly every person you’ve ever met for more than ten minutes now requires a personalized gift from you.

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After a perfunctory nosetasting of all three, I decided that my girlfriend would find the notion of being “Pretty and Pure” somehow antifeminist. I scooped up a Soft and Dreamy body spray and a Sweet and Flirty perfume, having no idea what the difference between those two types of spray was.

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The gifts you receive around the holidays say a lot about you and your friends. Learn from these subtle messages and plan your new year’s resolutions accordingly. Or, in some cases, just get better friends.

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No, I’m worried that I will return home empty-handed or, worse, with hands full of all the wrong things. This apprehension stems from my fear of being a “bad” gift-giver, which I have been told is one of the most repugnant holiday offenses after fruitcake, Dominick the Donkey, unironic reindeer sweaters, ironic reindeer sweaters, and orange blinking lights.

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As much as I do like showing you around my city you must keep in mind that even though you might be on vacation, I am not. Don’t be too bummed when I leave you alone to go to work or class or even an engagement that I can’t bring you to.

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If the “hate” category were added to Facebook, chances are you’d have a better picture of the person. Maybe said-person secretly loves Dancing With The Stars or dreamy lead singer Adam, but they also hate (as per their profile page) American Idol, the entire Twilight series, and Eat, Pray, Love, and that’s something I can definitely deal with.